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Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
12:08 am
id rather have long my world into a real journal. but alas my husband will read it. so i dont. yesterday we went out since... the last time we went out (ha ha) and d-r-a-m-a
i would like to write about it. but i have been around the world and back in my head about it. i want to leave him. 
i dont like this anymore. 
but i know i never will. i didnt spend the night at home last night. which i thought was wonderful. even though i didnt get an ounce of sleep. and now it is 12:11 and i have to work at 10. which isnt early or anything. but i have to be up at 8.
im at a loss for life. there is water all over my living room (walls floor...ect.) and two big welts on my thigh from i think one of corbins chew toys. granted... i did throw my phone at him first, but im weak. and it hit is jolly round belly. 
i only threw my phone cause he made fun of me for crying... again. i hate when he makes fun of me when i cry. but i only cry when he starts to get violent. 
im glad we dont own anything dangerous.
i hate him so much.
i would rather be "anywhere but here" (isnt that a movie)
ouch my leg hurts.

i died all of the blonde highlights in my hair pink. so now my hair is mostly pink.
im going to go read and try to forget about the fact that my life exsists

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Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
1:12 pm - fed up
me and chris got into another one on friday. im so lost...

it was our 1 year ann. and it was such a good day. i went down to campus and got him a pair of dog tags with our names and anniversarys on them.they are cute. i cooked dinner (yeah me!) it was really good. then we went out to karma. i looked really cute. i need to remember to bring cameras with me. anyways. we hung out with soe friends. chris acctually went out and danced. which he hasnt done in forever. i was so proud  of him cause i like watcing him dance. we were just drinking a lot... having a good night. then we decided that we were gonna do some coke (idiots). but its my baby. 
so we got to this guys house, and chris went to the atm to get money. came back said he couldnt find his card.
so we both drove to the atm. but couldnt find his card anywhere. all the sudden he screams something like "what the fuck katie. you lost my card. you are so fucking irresponsible" blah blah blah. i just kind of stood there in shock as he screamed and screamed at me. saying all this stuff. and i started crying. and then he starts making fun of me for crying. hes such a jerk. then he left me. like 20 miles from home. in the middle of the parking lot. then he came back. i just wish once he would follow through with his actions. 
so i drove home cause he drives like a retard when he is upset and i wouldnt get in the car with him. i was just quiet the whole time. i stopped in front of our house and told him i would be in in a second. he got out of the car and i drove away.
he called me and asked for the keys to the other car, so i went back and gave them to him. as i pulled away he sort of jumped closer to the car and i guess i ran over his foot. 
so he calls me telling me he was going to call the cops and tell them i was drunk and i tried to hit him and all this stuff. once again.. he never follows through with his actions. i wish he would.
i cant stop thinking about the way that he talk to me. then he gets mad when i dont want to his him.
how can you be affectionate with someone that talks to you like your shit

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Friday, March 9th, 2007
12:17 am - 1 year anniversary

tomorow is me and chris's one year anniversary. and the irony of it would be that he has his first counsling session for our marriage counsling. ha ha (sarcasm)
things suck. i mean, i love him, and he is so much fun. but that is about it. things are fine and dandy when it comes to fun and sex mostly. but when it comes to romance, or responsibility or money, or anything else basically. things suck. 
i am just so effing stressed out all of the time. and in so much pain cause of my back (but at least i can walk again). so i take 2 vicadin (sp??) and he is upset. he is jealous i know cause he keeps talking about how much he wants to get stoned and eat some pills. but he... ahhhhhhhhhh! thats all i want to do anymore.
so im 21 years old right. spent a year over seas where i couldnt drink. spent 9 months pregnant where i couldnt drink. now all of the sudden i want to have a few drinks every once in a while and he straight up calls me an alcoholic. first of all... fuck off. cause i am anything but. he says all i want to do now is be a kid and be 21 and not hang out with him. ummm... i am 21. yes, i would like to BE 21. since i am already married with a kid. its nice to have fun on occasion. second... grr i get so mad talking about him. he says that i am an alcoholic cause i mention drinking every once in a while. not cause i ACCTUALLY do it. but because i talk about it. when he talks about every fucking day eating pills. hypocrite! i work almost full time. i take care of a baby 24/7. i take 100% care of anything to do with our house, finances, erronds, cleaning cooking... blah blah blah. and he says im a kid. 
i told him i wish he never would have asked me to marry him. and i ment it. 
now we are in counsling.
i am so frusterated all of the time. and i just want out. but im too much of a pansy to ever do it. i used to say that i was going to stay with him cause i would miss him too much if we were ever apart. i dont think that anymore. i mean, i do have fun with him. and i would obviously miss the good times. but the good times are just so far apart, there really wouldnt be too much to miss. 
i hope i can sleep tonight. i have to work in the morn. fuck

current mood: pissed off

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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
1:55 pm - weight watchers...not the program
i wonder a lot what i really looked like before i got pregnant. cause i was small. 115ish. which isnt small small. but i wasnt big. but i always felt fat. like, really large. people say that when you have an eating disorder that your body image is all messed up. which i believe now. i didnt then cause i would look into the mirror and all i saw were the pugy peices. but now. i feel like i am the same size that i was. when i look into the mirror i still see the pugy peices, but i dont feel like i am larger. i dont utterly hate my body (although there is no way im staying like this). but when i put on my jeans pre-baby. wow. they dont even fit. my fav's that were getting baggy on me are now really tight around my thighs and wont snap. its sad. so i wonder if i was thin then, or fat now?

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Monday, February 5th, 2007
5:34 pm - a lot of rambling.
i think corbin is finally asleep so i am going to take a shower. i dont think i will get to go tanning cause chris is still at his orientation. poo. unless he gets home soon. then it is texas roadhouse with his family. ive never been there. his family always talks about how small i am. they are all a little on the heavier side. its funny they always talk about loosing weight and stuff.

im 133. still. i was 139 when i went to the recruiters. then 133 when i went to the doctors a week or week and a half ago. and this morning i was still 133. damn. i think it just might have to do with the fact that i drank a 12 pk last night during the game. and didnt throw it up. we went to a friends house, so i didnt have a choice. i didnt eat too much. just chips and these little chicken taco things. they were good.
so i guess i amnot a vegetarian anymore. right now i am killer craving a Italian BMT i think. whatever i ate the other day. i think i will loose weight faster not being a veg if i stick to chicken and other pork and white meat. cause it will look like i am eating more to other people. and i am good and only eating a little in front of people. eating around everyone else makes me eat less. if im by myself it is when i go crazy. so i am just not eating if im not around chris or something. cause i am not about to get back into the bulimia shit. i have worked too hard to not.

although i really need to keep throwing up when i drink. cause i dont deal well with hangovers, and i got me a little corbin to take care of.

we are still broke. chris is starting a job today. and we are at least 1 payment late on every bill. 2 on both cars. i need a better paying job. and chris just needs a job. the army will be good i guess. i like being a real person though. i am going to miss that. but hot damn we need money. i would strip if chris let me. i just wouldnt tell anyone ever. and i would only do it till i get money. when i get my body back

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Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
2:02 pm - daddy
im talking to my sister right now on the phone. its really sad. for her, and for me, but i dont want to talk to her about me.
it sucks, cause i know that she is having a hard time going through dealing with him. but its like, im not even on his mind. he was my best friend growing up. the person that i talked to about everything. i was always his little girl. but now.
non of us have talked to him since before christmas, when he chose for the last time to choose drinking over his children. well, frankie has. cause i guess since he is so far away he doesnt really know the extent of what me and megan have had to deal with. so megan has gotten the brunt end of the deal i know. just cause she has been around more and able to do more with trying to get gaurdianship and all. but we have beth had to deal with the all of the hospitalizations and phone calls. and the memory loss. the seziures. the promises and the betrayal. its hard.
it was hard when we both sat there in his kitchen with him drinking after he promised us that he never would again. after the doctor had told him that as long as he is drinking its just a matter of time... crying and pouring our hearts out too him about how much he was hurting us by hurting himself. giving him our first altimatum.
then after we found out days later that he had checked himself into a hospital (for the 4th time in one year) we showed up just to see what was happening.
him telling me that he was quiting... finally. because megan wanted him too. it made me happy/hurt like hell. why wouldnt he do it for both of us? why wouldnt he do it for my child that was due any day. but i guess at least he was quitting
so now, over a month after he started drinking again. he calls up megan telling her how much he missed her and wanted to talk to her. which makes me very sad cause i know how bad she wants to be in his life. and how much it hurts her. but its been almost 6 weeks since i had the baby, and i still havent even gotten a phone call or a card.
i hurts

current mood: sad

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Friday, January 26th, 2007
6:43 am - new icon
i took this icon from someone who made it from someone else. i dont know how to credit, but i love it. i love the show, as does the rest of america prolly. but this icon really means a lot to me. first of with george, cause george reminds me of somebody. and i almost cant bare to watch the show anymore cause i would give anything not to be reminded of him. it hurts.
but also cause the way that izzy feels in this scene. cause i remeber watching it. like her entire world crashed down. and she is beautiful and dispared on the floor. thats how i feel latley

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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
3:36 pm
i went out to chris's step-dads retirement party last night. its been 4 weeks since i had the baby. every keeps saying they cant believe how tiny i am after just having a baby. and i dont feel too bad. but then i put on my fav pair or jeans last night and they barley even went up around my hips. it just makes me realize how small i was before i got pregnant. and now i dont know what to do. cause the only reason that i was that small was because i was throwing up everything i was eating. and i am fighting my butt of to not do that again. cause i am breast feeding, and i know that if i do that my milk might dry up. and then i would have to use formula, which is expensive. plus it is easier to breast feed. plus it burns like, 500 calories a day. i am starting my diet. i ate the rest of my m&ms though. (like, 1/2 a small bag) so that is it or sweets. i have been continuosly loosing weight cause of breast feeding, so i am sure if i cut out the sweets i will loose more. i swear it was easier being bulimic. and not being able to exercise is kiling me. since i cant take corbin out in this cold, and i dont have the time or ability to go to the gym. and my house is way to little and covered in dog hair to work out in it. i hate these dogs. cabin fever...

so me and chris almost split the other night. he said he was leaving me, but i new that he never would. he just likes to threaten when he is angry. but he found something on myspace that i had written to matt. saying along the lines that i thought about him and missed him, and i needed to get him out of my mind. because i knew that missing matt was hindering my feelings about my marriage. which was no good. the thing that stinks is that i had told matt a few days earlier that i didnt want to talk to him ever cause i knew that that was the only way i could get over it all. and i had stopped. but chris never read any of that. and if he had, he wouldnt have paye attention to that anyways.
the whole night was horrible and dramatic. what sucks though is that he knows that part of the reason that i am unhappy and depressed is because i never go out any more. i never have any fun. so last night we went to peddlers and i was having a great time just hanging out and talking. and 3 beers into the night chris just looked bored out of his mind. so we left. and we went home. and watched a movie. just like always... i just dont understand... im just... at a loss of what to do. i am going out of my mind. with boredem, with sadness. ugh to it all. i would love to just think about me, and do my own thing, but i have no money, so i cant go out and do the stuff that i enjoy. its too cold, and im too broke.

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Sunday, July 16th, 2006
3:51 pm - hdfalksdfh... thats how i feel
i cant sleep. even though i went to bed around 130 or 2. and i have been awake since 6. yeah. the time my husband decided to stumble on home. god i wish that i had some friends to talk to. or to cry to. or anything. i just dont understand why this keeps happening. and crying for 3 hours non stop really isnt going to help much. talk about keeping things bottled up inside.

i love my husband to absolute tiny little peices. he is the greatest thing in the world. but i cant keep having this fight with him. every couuple of weeks or so. it is really really breaking my heart. but goodness i cant do anything about it, cause he makes it seem like the whole ordeal was all my fault. which i dont get.

last night when i got off work i went to my sisters party. i didnt get there till around 1145 or midnight cause i worked late. but apparently chris got there at like 8 or something to surprise me. even though he knew i wasnt getting off til like 11. anyways. i showed up and he was hammered. i dont care if he drinks. but he seems to get hammered a few times a week, and all i get to do is sit around and watch and then drive home. (not to mention the reason that i have been really really depressed latley)but i showed up, said hi to a bunch of people. and walked outside to talk to ang. she offered me a cigarette, and i gave her a look. jokingly around i asked her if my husband had been smoking. she said yes. but then quickly took it back. i asked him. he said yes, because he had been drinking. yes, i was mad. but in all honestly, i would have gotten over it. the only reason that i was so hurt by it was because of the other day when i found a can of dip on the counter, and was really upset cause he had been doing it, and hiding it from me. and he knew how upset i was, and kept talking about how much he messed up, and how bad he felt that he had dissapointed me. and all those things. and then he goes off and smokes. he says he feels so guilty to do anything around me cause i get so jealous and just try to make him feel bad. not true. i hate who he is when he drinks. and most of the time i dont say anything when he drinks. but... i hate drunk chris. he is just so mean to me.

for example last night. i walked around the party for a bit, until i realized that it was basically just a bunch of people standing around drinking and smoking. not any sort of fun for a person that cant do either. i wanted to be any where else but there. basing on the reason im depressed... so i walked around with a happy face, told everyone that i was tired and just wanted to go to bed. which i did. when i told chris i was leaving, and to walk me out to my car, cause i knew he would be upset... he did. and was. started screaming at me for being a bitch to him. and that i was checking up on him (um... i invited him to the party.. what?) and on and on. i just kept saying, i just dont want to be here. and that was the honest reason. and he thought the whole thing was about him drinking. then laid this huge guilt trip on how it will be on my concious if he gets hammered and drives home. so that i should stay. i really just didnt want to be there. he ends up throwing his beer on the ground right next to me, which got it all over me and the inside of my car. i just wanted to leave. and he wouldnt let me. he kept saying over and over that if i left, it was me telling him that i didnt want to be with him anymore. (this is where we get into the smae fight every week thing) i just kept saying, that wasnt it, i just wanted to go home. he wouldnt stop yelling at me. so i said, whatever, thats not it, but i am leaving, i cant take this. and he says again, for the 20th time since we have been together, fine... get the fuck out of my house. if your there i am calling the cops. blah blah blah. so i leave in the biggest fit of tears.. agian. and then he does what he always does. calls me 5 minutes later. asking why am i being like this. what am i doing. why am i doing this to us... what?? what am i doing. im just beside my self cause i cant take this... confusion. i just dont know what is wrong with him when he gets like this. i told him... i told you one day i am going to get sick of you kicking me out, and i am acctually going to leave. and then its... oh, is that what you want. where you gonna go. who are you going to go see
(like i have any friends, much less guys friends anymore). i just couldnt take it. from that point on, everything was my fault. i am the one who made the decision to leave, im the one who said i wanted a divorce (not true. and i dont) im the one...

so we get home (cause he is following me in his car, very drink during this part) he runs in the house, then leaves. i try to get him to not drive cause he is wasted... but he doesnt want to stay cause i am being mean... what? so he goes somewhere to sleep it off. ends up at a friends house i guess... but he didnt pick up his phone all night. so god knows what he was doing. comes home at 6 in the morning. who comes home at 6 in the morning after:sleeping it off" unless they are doing the walk of shame. not saying he ws cheating on me. cause i dont think that he ever would. but that he was just up all night with his friends...

i am so hurt right now i am beside myself. i am not someone who gets treated like this. and i dont deserve it. but other than this huge wretched fight every week or two, things are great. i just dont know what to do. i am so lost in life. that it just... isnt good anymore. i am so sad all the time that i dont know what to do anymore..

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Saturday, May 6th, 2006
4:16 pm - my thoughts... duh
being pregnant has really brought on a whirlwind of emotions... 1st emotion... fuck. (not in the literal since that brought upon this happening)2nd emotion... joy. i mean, ive always always wanted to be a mom. that is my goal in life basically. my 3rd emotion... im fucked.

im scared as hell. i know that i am too young. i dont fear the other things. i know i will love this baby. i know my husband will be there for us. and i know that he will be supportive 100%. i know everything will be okay. im just terrified. im too young, and i am so not ready. and for that reason, i am sared that i might end up resenting this baby to a sense. even though i know i wont. because its my child. but there are so many things out there that i wanted to do that i know i never will be able to do. i mean, children arnt the end of the world. but the sure put a halt to the dreams of a 21 year old. hell, i cant even drink for my 21st birthday. school will be tough, vacations, money, fun, parties, dates, shopping... all the completley selfish things i wanted to do before i had children. oh well, now to make the best of it.

another thing that i am terrified... my weight. i have gained 10 lbs in the past few weeks. and i am small. so that is a lot. and im not pretty any more. im plane, and un even. my body isnt proportionate. and it isnt like i can diet. but i thin kquitting smoking absolutly whipped my butt. cause i didnt stop snaking for like a week straight. i am scared that chris wont be as attracted to me. although he says that he will. the one thing this has done is made me realize the importance of getting my weight back down afterwards. no more stupid bulimia though. im tired of that shit. and i dont think that i can handle it anymore. i know that i definatly cant handle it while watching a baby. but i think for the fact that i will be having to take care of the baby and such, not eating will be easier. i wont starve my self. ill just eat like i did in kansas. that was the easiest way to loose weight. oh well, im determind.

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Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
12:36 am
im becomming so obsessed about my weight. its killing me. i dont know why. maybe it was because when i came home i thought i would be happy if i weighed like, 125. i knew i wouldnt be happy, but i would figure at least i didnt gain a shit load of weight since i hadnt been paying attention. i weighed 115. yesterday i weighed 111. fuux. i threw up twice today. just ate something random, felt like puking, did it again cause my stomache hurt so bad cause i was starving and i have been starving myself. stupid. but now i am obsessed with getting down to 100. like, by my birthday. may 18th. 21. and 100lbs. talk about perfect. ill by new pants or something cause none of mine fit anymore. oh well. i know i look skinny. why am i sooo obsessed about it.

the bad thing will be. if i am pregnant. i am scared to death to get pregnant for the sole reason that i cant control my ed. and i dont know how it will effect a life inside of me. i would be the worst person in the world if i killed a baby cause of my own selfishness.

anyways. i now need to think of the best way to loose this weight fast. i figure ill start taking those diet pill shit again. i wont fast. cause i am with my boyfriend all the time, and he pays attention. he makes me eat SOMETHING ill stick to salads. cut oout carbs. i dont know. i mean i know all the damn tricks in the book. so how about i just go and apply some of them to my life. i think i will...

dear... whoever the hell is looking out upon this messed up bullshit world that we love to live in. i cant bare a child right now at this point in my life. please, i beg of you... dont make it soo...

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Sunday, March 12th, 2006
12:38 pm - a lot of blabber, and some gross stuff...
so chris now knows about my ed. fuux... we both got hopped up on pills and beer (i had gone to the bar prior to this) and we were watching tv, and mostly just talking. but we were doing some deep down emotional talking crap... and it came out. (apparently he had already known from when we dated like, 2 years ago.) the next morning i didnt know if i had acctually told him, or just imagined that i did... but i did. cause he brought it up yesterday. SO... we went to BD's mongolian barbeque with corey. i went to the bathroom when we got there, and i guess i took a while. when i came out to the table chris was like 'we were waiting on you' and corey looks at me and in a serious face says 'katie, you know there is help out there with people who are bulimic' i just froze right then and there. i must have looked like a deer in headlights. but then he started smiling and was like 'just kidding' and walked away. me and chris just stared at eachother like wtf!?! i was so scared... it was weird. i was sick when we went there, and had already puked twice cause i was so hungover. i ate a little bit of food, and then as soon as i was done, it decided to come back up. so i ran to the bathroom. when i came out, chris was really mad at me, and wouldnt talk to me. i swore up and down that i didnt do it on purpose. it took some convincing, but he let up. he wants me to get help. he said even if he has to drive me to the doctors hisself. we talked a bit about it, and i told him that i wanted to talk to someone, cause i really do, but i cant do it alone. so he said he would go with me. or my sister could go. but he has been watching me like a hawk. i got up to pee the other day, and when he walked into the living room and i wasnt sitting there, he went and opened up the bathroom door. with out knocking, just to make sure. im glad that he cares though.

chris is great though. he quit doing drugs which i good. but is as much of a pill popper as i am. which is good cause he wont bitch at me for popping them. he is soo much different than i remember. i was hesitant about dating him, or even talking to him again cause of our past, and our relationship back then wasnt that great. but now... i dont know. he would do anything in the world for me. he has proven that in the last... few days that we have been together. he gave me a key, and lets me stay at his place how ever long. he watches out for me. and hasnt pressured me into sex. which is something that i was worried about because of our past. but i told him that i really wanted to wait. all we have done is kiss. and although he askes, he always stops when i say no. he respects the fact that i say the next person i have sex with,
i want that to be the last person i have sex with. its awesome.

KIND OF GROSS: something is worrying me. there has always been some blood in my stools. i notice it when i wipe. but now it seems like there is more. i thought i had to poop today, and i didnt, but when i stood up, and looked down in the toilet, there was a bit of blood. and im deff not on my period. and it hurts, it feels like cramping, but in my butt. i wonder if i should get that checked out or something. i am hoping it just goes away. i dont want to tell a doc that i use laxatives, n that my intestines are prolly shot from throwing everything up... it still worries me a little. oh well

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Friday, March 10th, 2006
6:31 pm - update...
so i just got home last weekend. i am now... for the first time in two years, home to stay. yeah! it was sooo sooo sad to leave tracie. and my other friends. but trey the most. she is the most awesomest... stubborn... stuck up... best friend that i have ever had. i miss her to death! i am going to go see her in a few weeks i hope and pray.

so i didnt think that i was prgressing on the weight thing at all. i was eating a lot less, but i hadnt weighed myself in a long time. when i came home i saw my sister. she just looked at me and almost started crying. she knows about my ed. she just looked and was like... omgod... you are sooo skinny. i cant believe it. my dad was like you look like you lost a million lbs. my mom was on the phone when i saw her, but just mouthed the words... you look soo skinny. everyone has been saying stuff about it. i thougt i was prolly around 120 still. which still would have been a loss for me. but i got on the scale and it said 112. 112!!! i couldnt believe it. this is deff my lowest weight. i have noticed that my ribs stand out a lot more. they always were very visible in front, but in the back, the are deff noticible. that makes me happy. now i am determind to get down to 100. i dont want to be lower than that. but i know my family will say stuff if i drop more weight. i dont know, oh well. i am just excited that i am at my lowest.
i got the pics back from my camera with me and trey in them. and i really really noticed how skinny i look in all of those pics. i was amazed. oh well, im out for now. more to come later

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
4:40 pm - addiction
this is an exert (sp??) from a book that i am currently reading, which i find incredibly awesome, but sadly triggering...

an addict is an addict. it doesnt matter whether the addict is white, black, yellow or green, rich or poor or somehere in the middle, the most famous person on the planet or the most unknown. it dooesnt mateer whether the addiction is drugs, alcohol, crime, sex, shopping, food, gambling, television, or the fucking flinstones. the life of the addict is always the same. there is no excitment, no glamour, no fun. there are no good times, there is no joy, there is no happiness. there is no future and no escape. there is only an obsession. an all-emcompassing, fully enveloping, completly overwhelming obsession. to make light of it, broag about it, or revel in the mock glory of it is not in any way, shape or form related to its truth, and that is all that matters, the truth.

a million little peices - james frey

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
3:08 pm
things have been weird and wonderful latley. on every aspect. i got into the biggest fight with my best friend, and in a matter of minutes we went from being best friends, to not even speaking anymore. and i think that i am taking it a little bit harder than i should. i took 14 morphine pills that night, plus some tylonol 3.. yeah, still riding the high days later. i met this guy named george a few weeks ago. in the begining i didnt think that anything was going to work, but now.. he leaves in to days, and i cant stop being so sad and mad and pissed off that we arnt going to be together anymore. i mean, it isnt like i am head over heals in love with him or anything like that. but we are so great together, and everything is awesome when i am with him. and i really want more than anything to see where things are going to lead us in the future. and this guy i want to work out so bad... when all the other guys, all i want to do is run far far away from them, and now he is being ripped away from me. it sucks sooo bad.

weight wise, i dont know what is going on there. i have been doing a really good job at restricting in these past few weeks, but i have also been doing a really good job at drinking myself under the table. so it is kind of like... i dont know, maybe they cancel eachother out. i had this really bad pain and neausia (sp???) in my stomache for about a week. i think i had alcohol poisioning or something like that. it went away now, but i havent had a stupid bowl movement in over a week. i dont know. i havent noticed any sort of change in my body latley, but when i got on the scales at someones house at the super bowl part, it said 119. that was after eating crap food all day, and wearing, jeans, a jean jacket, boots... so i am taking 5 lbs off. and i dont know what to think about that beacuase if that was serious then... im doing really well, compared to the 131 the scales said a month ago. i just dont understand why i dont see a change in my body.

i want more than anything a friend that i can do this stuff with. but where in the hell am i going to get a friend that wants to do this shit with me, i mean, you cant just ask people. like... in person, cause over the internet, doesnt really work you know?

im happy in life right now. and that is really good. i just wish that george could stay a part of my really happy life...

i have learned that constantly being hopped up on pain pills really makes you not very hungry. wa hoo!

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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
4:26 pm - pointless bored rambling.
the internet here sucks. you can only go on like, 3 sites. i am happy that livejournal is one of them. because i have nothing else in the world to do. it makes me sad though cause i cant see any pictures. so that makes like, half of the posts in my friends journals blank. blegh.

today i am doing good. thank goodness for strep throat. well almost. i figured that having strep throat would prevent me from purging. but nooo. i had a big ol binge purge last night. it was yummy. but no fun comming up since i didnt have a lot of water. it really didnt hurt though. at least being sick is making me soooo tired (and lack of food) that all i want to do is work and sleep. well, i dont want to work. but i dont have much of an option there.

we have 11 days left here. at the most. we might have less. it all depends. but it doesnt matter, because we cant leave kuwait till at the earliest the 15th. so i guess it is kind of pointless to get out of here any earlier. i have been practically living off of hot green tea cough drops and cigaretts. i am loving it.

today i had green tea for breakfast, and an apple and 1 nobake cookie for lunch. i went and got a salad at lunch for dinner. so i might eat that. i dont know though. im not hungry. but it is only 1630. so if i do want to eat something, ill eat that. if not, ill throw it out. i hate throwing out healthy food. but it is better to eat nothing than eat that. since i have already eaten a lot today. no purging day one. and its good, cause i dont want to purge. which makes me not want to eat. at all. i was soooo proud of myself that i ate that cookie, and then didnt just go all out. i thought for a few minutes, well hell, i already ate one, i might as well go for it all. but that is so stupid. cause i refuse to purge today. and one cookie is a lot better than 10. no matter what my head says to me. all i want to do right now is sleep, and work is almost over, so i doubt i willeat anything. ill save the salad for tomorrow just in case i dont get a lunch break, i can just munch on that all day. i am going to start getting veggies at lunch, cause i never eat until lunch anways, so if i need to i can resort to those instead of crap food.

i said something last night about how i am trying to loose a few pounds before i go home. and my room mate was like, oh shut up, then you would look even more annorexic than you already do. hey women... the scales dont lie. i wonder though, what other people see in me. i know i have gained a little belly since i stopped the laxatives and diet pills. i am going to get some ephedra when i go home though. so that should make me loose it again.

i am really excited and nervous to meet matt. i am reallyhonestly scared though, that he isnt going to like the way that i look. like, he says he loves my pics. and whatever. but he really hasnt seen my body. so im so worried.

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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
4:51 pm
i effin love dc talk. and michael bolton. yeah i know. im a dork. and i am okay with this.

im back in taji now. it was all weird and quick happening. i wasnt supposed to be back till the 1st. but im back now. and i am going to cashier for the next two weeks. thats weird, cause they have to train(choo choo??) me to be a cashier. and the new unit comes tomorrow. so i am going to be left seat right seating right along with the new unit.

these headaches are getting... not cool... my head is black all the time.

so we are on lock down for a few guys getting really effin drunk... welcome to adulthood right?

i miss soto more that i think i can ever say... and that makes me sad. like, really sad.

my throat is sooo raw and sore, my next is so swollen.. im like. yeah! good excuse not to purge. well, what i do. i threw up again today. i think there is something wrong with me. i think i might have an eating disorder. ha! nah... denial works until i pass out right?

so the scale last night said 120... still. now granted this is at the end of the day, and i started my period. but hell. why does everyone continue to say that i look like ive lost weight. effin liars. my stomache is sooo huge. i had to get rid of the laxative i was taken. cause it was epsome salt. in that big ass container thing, and i couldnt fit it anywhere during the move. humph. so i feel so fat. but i think that my intestine will thank me for taking a little break. cept i feel sooo fat right now.

i mention something about how i hate the fact that there is so much food in the room cause it is taunting me and i am TRYING to loose weight. (unsuccesfully right?) and the girl in the room says, yeah i can tell. i gave her a look like wtf? cause of what the scale says. (woah, i almost just blacked out i think. that was weird. ) and she was like, yeah your so small. i mean, you were small before , but now you like, tiny!. she hasnt seen me in anything but my pts. which are huge on me. wtf? she doesnt even like me all that much. well... we have a very interesting relationship.

im really dizzy right now. i just drank 1.5 liters of water. why am i dizzy?? blegh... suck it up women.

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Friday, November 25th, 2005
5:54 pm - no, im not going to kill myself, i just need to... cry.
god i wish that i could stop crying. i mean, honestly. why am i so miserable. maybe it was because i am falling apart. physically and mentally. i mean. for lunch i wasnt going to eat, and then someone brought cookies. so i ate one cookie, than i ate a peice of chocolate, and then some m&m's. and then... well a few more peice of shit foods later i was in the bathroom puking them all up. and now i feel like my head is going to explode. i am having some serious heart pain, and... honestly, i would just like to die. well, i want to sit on my bed and cry, but more so i would like to die. i dont know how much more of this i can take. every time i puke im like, ok this is it. this is my last time. no more. i can do this. well, the next time i stick a fucking cracker in my mouth, up it comes.

the sad thing is that i want help soo bad. i want to stop this sooo much. i am so fucking terrified. i know i am just being stupid, and that there is nothing wrong with me. and that it is all in my head. but... my head. it hurts soooo bad. i hate this all so much.but it is my life, and i just have to accept that this is who i am, and this will inevatably be the death of me. and it scares me that death might be a lot sooner than i wanted.

hell, i always told myself that i would never live past 20. i think that i should just end it all now.

fuck i dont want to end it. i just... want to end this. fuck fuck fuck... i hurt so bad. every where i hurt so bad.

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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
2:04 pm
fuck whats wrong with me. i hate this and i hate life. i dont know what to do. i just broke down in the bathroom crying... i dont think i have ever cried so hard in my life. it wasnt crying. it was more like, violent shaking, with tears running down my cheeks. i cant stop this. i am in way to far.
my head hurts so bad. it wont stop. i miss just having headaches. this just feels like some one is stabbing me over and over or holding a flame up to my head and burning me. why wont it go away.
my heart hurts so bad. i miss the days of heart burn...
now i feel like heart failure is approaching.
my chest and lungs... i think they might explode. wait it out, wait it out... how many months do i have to wait for this pain in my lungs to go away?
im fucking fat.
i cant stay awake. i keep trying to convince myself that i dont sleep enough. yeah i wake up at 0500 every morning. but i went to bed at like. 2200. now i take naps after work, during lunch, after pt before work... fuck, just wake up.
i cant go 24 hours with out purging. and the few times that i have, i end up purging 3 or 4 times the next day.
my eyes wont focus.
i am so dizzy all the time.
god oh jesus i just hope this is all in my head.
i took my usual laxative... my stomaches hurts so bad now, i can barley sit up. what is up with that.
i cant go to the doctor. i want to get help so bad. i want this to stop so bad.
i cant stop shaking, i cant stop crying.
this darkness under my eyes just keeps getting darker...
these thoughts of suicide have been absent for soooo long. why are they comming back.

why do i feel like this. what is going to happen to me. i am sooo scared. but i must keep this secret. why must i keep this secret.

please tell me, what is going to happen to me...

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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
4:31 pm
i feel so effin fat today.

tuesday was normal... i didnt binge i didnt purge, i didnt fast, i didnt restrict.

i had the worst dream that night. and i realized. that i have to keep this a secret. no matter what. no matter how much i hurt, or how much i cry. or how much i just want to be sad and hug someone. no body can find out. cause if they do... i will be done for. i fucking hate this. and what it is now doing to my body. but i need this so much. no matter what anyone says from now on. i will tell them that i am okay.

since i ate normal... around 1200 cals on tuesday, without purging any of them, look what happened. i threw up 3 times yesterday, and once today so far. and i know i will eat and i will purge dinner. i cant help it...

i dont want to die...

most people would think i am over exaggerating on this statement. but i dont want to die. i want to know what is going on with me.

i threw up the small amount of food i ate for lunch yesterday. then i binged dinner, and threw that up, and then i drank a bunch of water and threw that up right after wards... when i was done with all of this fun, i couldnt move. i have shaken, and got dizzy and got lightheaded and stuff. but lst night was beyond that. you know that feeling ou get when you are really drunk, and you cant see straight, or walk, or move, and you feel sick to your stomache. and everything is black... that was me last night. and i hadnt drank a drop. every time i purge my hearing goes out. i dont know what that is all about. my muscles are fucked. i used to run 6 miles a day... now i run two, and my muscles go into some sort of spasm for a few days. wtf is that about. im not out of shape. my face hurts so bad all the time. like... my eye sockets. and people keep asking me if i am okay. im fucking fine. i just wish my body would snap out of its retartedness. i dont know if it is just gettin used to it or what. cause i have been doing this for so long, you would think that it would be used to it by now.

and i can honestly say that i am loosing a lot of weight. i mean, i know that i am... but my mind says differently. my progress photos i put on here. i know they are a two month time period, but i didnt loose that weight until recently.

i look down at my body, and my hip bones are sticking out pretty good. my cheeks have sunken in sooo much, its crazy. my ribs are noticeable without twisting and strtching. my arms are small, and my wrists are tiny. there is now a gap. like a 3/4 fucking inch gap in between my thighs. i have never ever had a gap between my thighs...

but im fat. i mean, i look at the pictures, and i think sometims that i am loosing weight. but i wont weigh myself. so i dont know. and then i just make myself snap out of my retarted thinking... and remember how fat i am... all i have to do it look at the mirror and see how fat i am. i mean... im not stupid. i should never think good things about the way i look until i am thin

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